Am I worth more? Maybe I'm just like my mother

I'm sitting here, thinking. I can't resist him. As demented he is. As demeaning and belittling he deals with me. I feel I am nothing without him and that I have no willpower. I cannot rise above him and reject his abuse. I've been so conditioned that I crave him still. I still want to believe that he is different. The way he used my soul, dimmed my spark. Caused the light in my eye to be no more. To burn out. I still feel no one else loves me and that I must 'tolerate" the bad in him. Because, afterall no one's perfect. I'm setting myself up for failure here I just know it. But, I've been battered so much, at least this is a small amount. At least it hasn't quite progressed into psychical assault. But, the other rational voice in my head. The angel over my shoulder is saying, shouting, AGC, you know it will progress. He's shown you how capable he is of rage before. You know how it starts. First the put-downs, the demands. the disregard. Verbal abuse, emotional, mental then physical. Remember that time that he expressed his deep-seeded jealousy and envy toward you. He said you thought you were too good because you were able to point out that his mistreatment was wrong. What about all the remarks, the broken promises. The way he abused your body. Made every sexual encounter all about him. Then, he transferred all his feelings into you. The reverse psychology. The way he made it all about you that he couldn't "finish" during sex. Without your fulfilling some sexual deviant request. Some taboo desire, that every time you agreed to you were left feeling void, sick to your stomach and so very guilty. Why, why oh why do you subject yourself to this? Well it's because honestly I'm so used to seeing women around me settling. Settling, disregarding their own desires, hopes, dreams, feelings. They die so that he can live. Just like with my father and mother. She uplifted him all while he destroyed her. It was this crazy, unrealistic quest for love that no matter how hard she tried, how desperately devoted she proved herself to be the abuse only intensified. I feel unworthy of anyone else. I feel like I'd rather be abused than alone another night. I feel pathetic even saying this. I feel like a nobody, a nothing, dead on the inside. Just a sexual object on the outside. He wrote me a message yesterday on snapchat. Boy, that boy is like a private investigator. I blocked him on everything, my phone both numbers, facebook, whatsapp, instagram the works. Yet, he's capable of finding me everywhere when he wants to get a hold of me. Yet, when I need him he's never there. I wish it weren't like this. I wish he didn't always let me down. Just as my father did. I'm so used to letting men tell me these stories and sell me these dreams, just to be let down. I want so badly to believe them, i wanted to believe that we were gonna be together. but, no he only says these "heartfelt" things when he's been drinking or he's cold, alone at night. He doesn't love me. How can someone love you who doesn't even respect you enough to tell you about a sexual infection.

Tales of a fatherless daughter, maybe I am my father. What's a real dad?

Is it worse to have a father that's deceased or one who's alive and virtually nonexistent. I'd say the one who's alive and never played a role in your life. I wonder if my father expresses any remorse, I think so but he's afraid to express it. He always manages to remember my birthdays for the past 23 years of my life. Always sent a card from prison, I luckily still have them. It hurts me to look at them. I used to be so ecstatic when i received them in the mail, then id cry cause it would always claim that daddy will see you again. Implying that perhaps his sentence was unfair, we were kept apart as daddy and daughter unfairly. Yet, it was for a reason.

I have memories only of knowing him as being imprisoned. Kept away from my mother and I so that we could live. If he were out he'd surely finish the job he had started. We'd be dead. yet, there I was forced to visit him every weekend. Put on my best clothes, wake up at 4am. A seven yea old child who barely escaped his attempt at murdering me. Was made to go see him and "make amends" "he's your father they would say." then later, as I got older, my claims were shot down by "It was your mother he did that to not you." and "he had his reasons, you don't know, you're not remembering right cause you were so young."

They're in denial. They justify, all of this helps enable him, like he has been all his life, cause he had his family by his side. Shooting down my mother and I's accounts despite evidence to the contrary. I feel hatred for them, then pity. It switches a lot.

Growing up I had no choice but to do what adults said. That's one of the disadvantages of being a child. You have no voice. You must do what you're told even if you know it's bad or unfair. I can remember the dollhouses and the stage at the prison. All of us kids, there visiting our long lost fathers. Were made to feel normal again, like a real family. Even if for just a few measly hours. The correctional facility wanted to make it worthwhile.

There was a stage equipped with play ovens, paint, crafts, easels, balls, dolls, the works. We would play pretend, and make our dads come up on stage with us and join us. Daddy, look, look what I made. All things we should've been saying in real life. In life outside the prison perhaps as they visited our parent teacher conference nights where we showed off our best masterpieces. but instead, I was an oddball. I only had substitutions, good ones but still not biological dads. I was confused. Everyone at school thought my stepfather was my dad, I loved him dearly. But I was left conflicted every time I spoke to my "real" dad.

But here's a question that might be up for debate, and I want you readers to comment on it. What makes one a real dad? Does biology and genes make someone a real dad? Or is it in his actions. Because I don't categorize my father as being my real dad. I only spent time with him while he was behind bars. I had to be stripped of all my electronics, jewelry and dignity being pat down by corrections. I was petrified and now still am of law enforcement and people in uniform. Perhaps, because it brings back memories that every time I saw them although they were essentially saving me from him it was because my mom was near death or in a hostage situation with him. Due to this I associate police with me being in danger, not by police but by him.

Yes,it was certainly unfair to me,the child in this situation. But, his sentencing, HIS fate was fair to him. They say don't do the crime if you cant do the time. And there i was, seven and eight years old. Experiencing reoccurring flashbacks of the trauma i had endured and barely escaped with my life four years earlier. You see, my only memories really of my father are vey faint, very vague, blurry. The good ones that is. The times where he would teach me to walk by placing my feet on his, g me mimic his steps. One two, one, two, one two three.

Go yan yan. Id be smiling ear to ear. How do i restore the relationship i have with my father? Im an adult now. Will it begin with me going to guyana in an attempt to salvage this relationship?is there any hope in us? I still love him, but its been a difficult road. For through loving him i feel I'm betraying my own mother. Due to the abuse she suffered at the hands of him. I feel like a traitor. How could i love someone serving a sentence for attempting to murder my mom? But, lil ol me i had wanted to believe in the good in him. The good aspects.

My good father. But, it's hard when he never gave me any images of this goodness. Most of it is simply me hoping he's good, hoping he's capable of love. Loving me. And yet I crave for his love. I want my daddy. I'm still that same little girl inside waiting by the phone for him to call again. You have a collect call from orange county correctional facility One thing I commend my mother for is for her giving me the ability to make my own decisions when it came to communications with my father and fathers family. She never, ever kept me away from him, well from them and from speaking to him. I have this one memory of waking up in the morning to my mom and dad sleeping peacefully side by side. Me, being hungry, going in the fridge and finding gold coins, the chocolate ones in the fridge on the door. The Hanukkah kind.

But, perhaps, by only focusing on the good I am enabling or maybe justifying his destructive behavior. Most of my good memories in my mind are all sabotaged by bad because after every good event like trips to the Big Apple Circus were followed by the beatings. The delusions, the paranoia, hallucinations. Beatings to my mom fueled by paranoia and insecurities, trust issues, abandonment issues. He swore my mom always had a wandering eye.

Even if there were evidence to the contrary. At times I worry I'm him. I have the ability to become as sick mentally as he was or is. They say the gene for this disease is inherited and activates under the right conditions. In this case my exposure to the trauma inflicted by him are the perfect match along with his defective gene. So maybe I'm that small statistic the one they say was rare. I'm the one who inherits from her parents. they say there's a small chance but I have the chance.

But again I end this with what is your definition of a father? Can adopted fathers fill the void children face from the abandonment of their biological father? Comment below.
Thank you
-AGC

Is there a reoccurring pattern of Oppressed & Abused Women in shows like Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland show, and The Simpsons?

The other day a close friend and I were having a discussion in which I pointed out that shows like The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show, etc. all have something very much in common. The family composition. Each show is complete with a mother, father, son, daughter, a pet or two pets, etc. She claimed that this is because the same person made all shows. I begged to differ. Me, being an ultimate Simpsons fan, family guy fan, etc. was appalled. How could she confuse them as all being created by the same person?? Common sense (mean of me lol) But!, she raised a valid point, the point that I'm going to try to prove.

The point that all these shows have a similar background, similar episodes so much so that people can easily mistake them as being the same show if they listened with their eyes closed. Sure regular viewers and fans like myself can easily spot the differences, but then again the shows are so very similar that regular viewers cannot tell the difference. For instance, my friend. But, it gets even deeper than just sharing a similar family makeup. The families each share even more similarities. are

The fact that cartoon wives like Lois Griffin, Donna Tubbs, Francine Smith and Marge Simpson are heavily abused is evident maybe not physically, but their relationships are putting an extreme strain on their mental states. These women are all profoundly depressed. Because they've had to settle, pay for just the bare minimum. Their husbands are the centers of attention. They spend so much time with their hands full trying to correct the wrongs of their men that ultimately they forget about themselves. And it's very unfortunate. Throughout these programs, all women can be seen fantasizing about other men and even having affairs as well. It's almost like they're stuck, grounded in the same position in life. Can't neglect be considered just as bad as abuse? In this instance the women are essentially neglected twice. First by their husbands, then by themselves in order for them to effectively "serve and protect" their husbands.

They're all staying at home moms. Whose full-time job seems mainly consists of being a caretaker and mother not even just to their children who are how it's supposed to be but to their grown adult male husbands as well, and it's sad. All of their dreams pushed aside to settle. Marge stopped school once she got with Homer, became distracted and was no longer an honor student. Lisa Simpson, Marge, and Homer's daughter always says she never wants to be like her mom who is morose. Marge can be seen crying at times and in a recent episode was seen bonding with Smithers Mr.Burns gay assistant who tolerates his abuse all in the name of love.

 Marge after being paid attention to by Smithers developed a crush and can be heard, her thoughts aloud with I want to kiss him? A look of guilt and shame is came across her face. In show's like Family Guy Bonnie the next door neighbor who is married to Joe Swanson, a paraplegic police officer confined of course to a wheelchair. Bonnie never looks satisfied and speaks in a slow, unenthusiastic voice no different from Marge or Lois Griffin. She too gave up her life (as a stripper) to settle down prematurely and cater to her husband. Bonnie can regularly be heard saying that she didn't sign up for this and that she's fallen out of love with Joe and resents him greatly. In an episode where they took a trip to France Bonnie engaged in an affair, she later revealed to a shocked Lois that she does this all the time.

Interestingly enough Lois is one to judge the episode she seduced Meg's (her daughter) boyfriend and was caught making out on the couch with him. Her dissatisfaction with her marriage is made evident in episodes like the one where she became jealous of her son Chris' "sex doll" that he was showing much affection too as if she were an actual partner. She could be heard saying "Oh my God Chris treats that sex doll better than Peter treats me." In a fit of jealous rage she "kidnapped" the doll, assaulted it and buried it. She has made mentions of wanting to murder Joe on multiple occasions. These women feel stuck almost obligated to take care of their husbands. They've certainly settled but is there any romance or attraction even left in their relationships?

 There was even an episode where during a vacation in France she had begun sleeping with someone else. There is this pattern of women in shows giving up their lives so that their husbands are front and center. Unhappy marriages seem to be a trend within these shows. These women are so immune to what's going on around them. The blank looks on the wives faces are almost eerie in a way. The way they are conditioned to coming last. Whenever their husbands do something selfish completely disregarding their feelings they have virtually no reaction.

But even so, it's almost as if the shows justify the unhappy states of the wives by putting extreme emphasis on the fact that in the past women have had very active sex lives. Some like Lois Griffin have reputations in the community, evident by her nickname "Loose Lois" Some like Donna Tubbs from The Cleveland show even have starred in pornographic films. Francine from American Dad married to Stan Smith has a rose bush garden full of hundreds of rose bushes which she says symbolizes the vast amount of men she's slept with in her life.

Donna was formerly with Robert Tubbs and has two children with him, Rallo and Roberta. Donna can often be heard expressing her love that still burns for her ex-husband. It seems as if she had no choice but to leave him due to his unfaithful ways. She settled for Cleveland because he's so different than Robert; he's more feminine, more easily controlled. Finally through Cleveland Donna was able to have the relationship roles reversed and became the assertive one in charge this time around. An opportunity she just couldn't pass up due to her constantly being under Robert's control all those years.

Donna's case is one we've all heard before. The sweet girl with her heart for some reason set on being able to fix the bad boys undesirable traits.

So these shows are implying that the husbands are the ones who are "settling." Because allegedly perhaps they had the choice to marry a more "respectable woman." But, instead, Peter Griffin, Cleveland Brown, Joe Swanson and Stan Smith all chose these women with less than desirable reputations. Making a mockery out of themselves in the long run. But, is that necessarily the wives fault? I think not. They had a decision and they mad one. The wives cannot be held accountable for their husbands actions. Not this time, not when it comes to them being selected as a mate.

Here come the double standards because if they were men, they would likely be praised for being formerly gigolos but, women are supposed to uphold a certain image they're looked down upon. Women are supposed to be poised, obedient right?

You would get the impression that these cartoon women like Lois Griffin, Marge Simpson, Francine Smith and Donna Tubbs aren't of importance to their families because they aren't the typical breadwinners of the family. Since the husbands Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Cleveland Brown and Stan Smith are the only ones working in the households. You would think without them everything would crumble. But, in actuality, this couldn't be further from the truth. Without these women always being there to bail their husbands out whenever they land themselves in dangerous situations(which is far too often) everything would self-destruct.

If it weren't for the strength, quick-minded, patience and high tolerance levels of these women nothing would be able to exist. Luckily the wives always conveniently seem to have calm demeanors and ability to think under pressure when faced with the unpredictable, spontaneous, destructive actions of their husbands.

Maybe they're looked down upon because of their lack of a career, but the thing is that taking care of their husbands seems like a full-time job and a hard one at that.

For example, there was an episode of The Cleveland Show in which Donna and Cleveland got robbed while they were out at night using the ATM. Instead of Cleveland standing up for his wife and protecting her as the man. He could be seen in the foreground scurrying and panicking like a small girl. Donna, however, came to the rescue and fought off the thief.

Perhaps, the most abusive case of them all without a doubt is that of Francine Smith's. Francine Smith is married to Stan Smith a C.I.An agent. Stan uses his job position to his advantage constantly to get what he wants. In the show, he can be seen using his C.I.A technology and gadgets to get his family to abide by his rules. He uses devices capable of erasing the memories of his family. Stan has gone so far as to have his wife taken to a first psychiatrist in which he pays to get him to agree to "erase" certain things in her mind. Like her desires or things she has mentioned to Stan that he doesn't want to fulfill. Like when she asked to get a family dog or when she asked for him to spend more time with her. Stan is incredibly selfish.

In another episode when the family wanted to go on a vacation he tricked them by submerging them in "goo." Stan played a sort of virtual reality sequence for them while they were hooked up (a simulation) so that they would be under the impression that he had gone on vacation with them while he could instead do other things.

I think the big question here is well why do they stay? The wives if they are so unhappy, so "oppressed"? Perhaps, it's because the women feel a loving type bond with these men. They feel pity; they feel they're needed for their husbands to survive. Their survival depends on having their wives to support them. Sadly, even if that means standing by them when they mess up. They've adopted their husbands as just another wayward, problematic child of theirs. The reluctantly tolerate these men through all the nonsense and unfairness. Everyone's busy paying attention to the people that no one is paying attention to the blatant misery felt day in and day out by the women.

You see these cartoons are trying to expose truths. Shedding light through humor on very real situations that plague our society. Abuse is funny sadly. Within these shows, abuse is the butt of almost every joke.

---