Am I worth more? Maybe I'm just like my mother

I'm sitting here, thinking. I can't resist him. As demented he is. As demeaning and belittling he deals with me. I feel I am nothing without him and that I have no willpower. I cannot rise above him and reject his abuse. I've been so conditioned that I crave him still. I still want to believe that he is different. The way he used my soul, dimmed my spark. Caused the light in my eye to be no more. To burn out. I still feel no one else loves me and that I must 'tolerate" the bad in him. Because, afterall no one's perfect. I'm setting myself up for failure here I just know it. But, I've been battered so much, at least this is a small amount. At least it hasn't quite progressed into psychical assault. But, the other rational voice in my head. The angel over my shoulder is saying, shouting, AGC, you know it will progress. He's shown you how capable he is of rage before. You know how it starts. First the put-downs, the demands. the disregard. Verbal abuse, emotional, mental then physical. Remember that time that he expressed his deep-seeded jealousy and envy toward you. He said you thought you were too good because you were able to point out that his mistreatment was wrong. What about all the remarks, the broken promises. The way he abused your body. Made every sexual encounter all about him. Then, he transferred all his feelings into you. The reverse psychology. The way he made it all about you that he couldn't "finish" during sex. Without your fulfilling some sexual deviant request. Some taboo desire, that every time you agreed to you were left feeling void, sick to your stomach and so very guilty. Why, why oh why do you subject yourself to this? Well it's because honestly I'm so used to seeing women around me settling. Settling, disregarding their own desires, hopes, dreams, feelings. They die so that he can live. Just like with my father and mother. She uplifted him all while he destroyed her. It was this crazy, unrealistic quest for love that no matter how hard she tried, how desperately devoted she proved herself to be the abuse only intensified. I feel unworthy of anyone else. I feel like I'd rather be abused than alone another night. I feel pathetic even saying this. I feel like a nobody, a nothing, dead on the inside. Just a sexual object on the outside. He wrote me a message yesterday on snapchat. Boy, that boy is like a private investigator. I blocked him on everything, my phone both numbers, facebook, whatsapp, instagram the works. Yet, he's capable of finding me everywhere when he wants to get a hold of me. Yet, when I need him he's never there. I wish it weren't like this. I wish he didn't always let me down. Just as my father did. I'm so used to letting men tell me these stories and sell me these dreams, just to be let down. I want so badly to believe them, i wanted to believe that we were gonna be together. but, no he only says these "heartfelt" things when he's been drinking or he's cold, alone at night. He doesn't love me. How can someone love you who doesn't even respect you enough to tell you about a sexual infection.