This morning I had a dream, actually it were many dreams. One in particular that really stood out to me it basically can be considered a continuation to the dream just a day prior. Or maybe it was actually a span of a few hours apart. The first one I feel might have even been real, as my apartment looked exactly the same. Except I was sleeping and I felt some kind of draft. So in my actual apartment I have the study area when you first walk in through the front door then to your right the kitchen vicinity. Then there is a door separating my bedroom from the kitchen/front door area. So imagine a studio with a separate kitchen. It's called a one room studio. Try to imagine a one bedroom apartment minus a living room. Yup, that's me. Now back to my dream.
So my door separating the room from the kitchen was open and I felt a draft. I awoke to find that my front door was also wide open. Which is quite unusual. I never would leave my front door open. In fact i actually have this routine, this obsession with checking if my front door is locked multiple times before i rest. So it was quite unusual for me. given that I am very vigilant, and quite the safety freak, safety obsessed, safety conscious young woman living on her own. Skeptical of all the sketchy tall big scary men and drama filled women I see in my building. So basically what I am trying to get you to grasp here is that I am already skeptical and afraid so there's a low chance I would go to sleep with my front door wide open. So the draft caused me to awaken in the dream. As I was asleep in the dream as well. And I woke up to a freezing, draft, wind blowing so hard it kept the door wide open, it swung. I was afraid, I felt out in the open, very vulnerable.
Now for my interpretation.
Perhaps this dream signifies my feeling of constant vulnerability and fear living alone.More likely it signifies my feeling of still being controlled, trapped in a sense by my abuser. Although I've moved I still feel she has say in my life. Due to the various nightmares and flashbacks I suffer till this very day. So far it's been about five months since I parted ways with her. But the road hasn't been smooth. In fact, it's been very tough. A difficult one. But slowly but surely I'm getting there. When I first moved I was haunted constantly by unpleasant images of her, plagued by memories, Good ones that I missed. Bad ones that I hated. I was riddled by anxiety day by day, controlled by fear.
Afraid of the change, the transition. petrified that my living situation would worsen. But, now I see that all of that was my pessimism getting the best of me. All those what ifs, are put to rest because I am living in the now. I am no longer letting my imagination run wild. throwing things out of proportion and scaring myself into being bedbound. The agoraphobia, I combat by challenging it. By, going out, venturing outside of my comfort zone, if even just in the area where I live. At least I am outside. At least I am proving to myself that everything I thought would go wrong is not going wrong.
Now onto the best part. the second dream.
Well in this dream she was at my apartment when I noticed a fire had broken out. I was immediately set on escaping whether or not I had to run through some of the blaze. Because of course I figured some of my body being singed versus dying entirely due to my entire body succumbing to flames was a better way to go.
After all, it wouldn't hurt to simply try. The worse that could happen is that either way I died. Well in this dream. She was of no help to me at all. She was a distraction, and someone who made the situation much worse. I was able to maintain calmness even in a situation of such intensity. She, however went into a complete and utter panic.
I knew we should try to escape the apartment as the flames were rising behind us. I was trying to move forward out of my bedroom and toward the front door. I just wanted to get out of the house. She actually kept closing the front door and fighting with me to stay inside the apartment. I kept opening it and then it would shut. It was as if she was deathly afraid of the outside.
Like she was so content with the familiarity of the apartment she couldn't fathom leaving and being forced to face anything outside. I however, could "smell" freedom in the direction of the hallway. But still she just kept closing the door. We were trapped at this point because of her. Flames were taking over the apartment and now the front door handle felt hot to the touch and there was a thick fog in the hall with some rays of light orange and red. Now it was too late the fire spread to the hallway.
If this wasn't bad enough then she wouldn't let me pass her at all. She just kept blocking me and screaming while holding the door almost clawing at it. Like a cat, arms at the top spread out while she screamed. It was then I knew we were going to die. I was going to die because of someone else's actions. Because I had allowed someone else to interfere with my life. I was ready to actually murder her in order to get out. She was a problem at this point, a burden I had to eliminate in order to survive.
So, now for my interpretation.
This dream to me is based on true events in my life. It visits that feeling of being grounded in one spot this whole time I had been residing with and interacting with negative individuals. I was never able to advance. I had put my dreams on hold and pushed their feelings to the front of my life. Constantly negotiating, accommodating them and everything they had wanted. All while ultimately forgetting about myself.
I had potential in this dream to survive but the uncertainty and low level of maturity of the girl in the dream sabotaged me. It resulted in my death. I was trapped. Being trapped in the apartment may symbolize the stall in my career I had suffered while remaining friends with people that weren't on the same wavelength as myself.
This dream serves as a reminder that I can no longer allow someone else's choice to stay at the same low point in life affect my ability to advance. It is unfair. I deserve better. To stay in communication with someone like that will result in me dying not literally but maybe in a spiritual sense. Like my level of motivation and drive will be lowered drastically. If I surround myself with positive like-minds I will benefit greatly.
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