I had a dream this morning. I reckon it was because it's the anniversary of the break up of my ex fiance and I. It was this time we were supposed to elope and start our lives together. As a couple. A married couple. However, he had other plans. He talked a big talk but when it came time he couldn't walk the walk, at all. Sold me a dream, that would never be fulfilled and he knew that. He always said we would be together, get married. We'd tried to start our family, we were trying for a baby. He was the only man I saw myself with. I was willing to prove our love by giving birth to his child. But, he lied to me. After years of being a part. Long distance travels. I had, had enough. I was ready to be with him by any means necessary. Even if that meant sacrificing the freedom and carelessness associated with my youth, my early-twenties.
I was willing to get married and embark on a journey with my love. He encouraged this idea for years, every step of the way. However, when it came down to it, he could never put his ideas in motion. I did though, I did. Filing paperwork, advocating on his behalf. Booking flights, amtrak, hotels. All these reservations, all these files for him in my possession. But he backed out when he saw I wasn't just merely talking trash. I really wanted to be with him. As his wife, his everything. He backed out due to fear. I miss him a tremendous amount. But, I've had to learn to live without him after he deserted me.
The dream was quite startling yet invigorating. For through these dreams has been the only time I get to visit my estranged lover. I still am very much in love with him, and hoping that this was all a mistake of his and that he will get serious and come start his life with me.
The dream began with me being on a mysterious beach. It was dark, very dark. I could smell the waves. I immediately realized where I was. The sand was wet and cold. I felt afraid. I was on an island. I was on his island, in his country. Like the late night beach visits he had told me about. Finally, it was happening. He had always told me about the late night love making the islanders did on the beaches. Well now I was experiencing it. Except it was a dream.
My love picked me up off the beach and wanted me to follow him. He was unusually assertive. I asked him, I looked at him. I said Can I trust you? Can I ever trust you again? There I was in his country, that i vowed never to venture to again. My parents didn't even know. But, I had traveled there in the name of love and desperation.
I felt uneasy but I wanted so much to believe in my baby. He looked at me, those small slanted downward, almond shaped beautiful eyes. And I stopped protesting, I let myself believe him. Yet, I still felt that everything other people told me would come true. That he would lead me to some unknown destination and that I would be set up and killed or something of the sort.
Yet, still I turned off my common sense. Again, in the name of love. You should love and trust your partner I reassured myself. Give him a chance. When he looked at me after I asked him the question, I fell in love all over again. So I let him take me away. He took me away deep into some caves, caves made of sand.
So there we were at the bottom of the cave, but he wasn't done yet he just kept traveling deeper and deeper. The space inside was so tight. The heaps and mounds of sand were on our heads, almost no room. Then I layed down on the cold sand. He made love to me to comfort me. And although we were in deep shit. Although we were lost in the caves with no way out. Just him being there made it all worthwhile.
For I loved him and I trusted in him. Even if we would die together in this moment I still loved him. And, so I was passive for once. And the roles of our relationship was reversed. I the passive one him the male dominant aggressor. The one in charge. It wasn't different from usual times.
The way he made love to me while the caves were still closing in and we had no space. It was crazy, it was risky. While we were making love it was as if he wanted to keep me hidden, hidden from his family like always like it was in real life. Hidden from him community. Which is the excuse he later told me was why he stood me up when it was time for our wedding. They didn't want me with him, I was a disgrace, taboo, an embarrassment. they had given him an ultimatum me or them. He was conflicted. Internally conflicted. but now he chose them. He had allowed his family to dictate a grown man's life.
That was the cause of the decline in our relationship.
He made love to me, I felt shy, uncertain. Stereo-typically like a woman. I didn't feel in control during the sex session. I felt vulnerable, under a spell, docile. He thrusted in so deep, so quick, so rough. I just kept speaking to him in this weak voice. I kept saying baby I don't know about this, no. But still he gave it to me. I loved it. but, i felt this was wrong. Us trying to still be together was wrong. Our relationship had run its course but I was willing to degrade myself all to make it work. There we were once again two love drunk idiots.
With every thrust i looked into his eyes, and he was meaner, he was more stereo-typically "manly". He wasn't the baby I knew. But, still I accepted him. My protests didn't matter. He knew I was still his weakness. He just knew. They all know. I gave in. We were facing each other like old times. He held me on the front, he stroked my inner being. I said I'm not ready, i don't feel up to par. He said it was okay, he entered me, more strokes, I was completely under his control by this time. I moaned and moaned, craved for him, Screaming for more, crying for more. Begging him to keep loving me,
I took every inch of him. But this time the way he made love to me felt more like a fuck. It felt more like the others I had been intimate with. The ones that were only concerned with the physical aspect and no spiritual connection. He felt void even though he was inside of me, deep inside, Like he wasn't really present. Like he was physically present and spiritually vacant.
I kept reaching out to touch him, but it was as if I couldn't get through to him. It was sad. i was sad. He had become like the others. We had become like the others. Those relationships where only the man's desires and requests are honored by the oppressed female. That's what we were. I took him in, let him get pleasure. But, i did it reluctantly to get him to notice me again.
After we made love I just wanted him to hold me and love me. he didn't speak much. Just kept trying to get down the tunnels more and more. He grabbed me earlier in the dream and jumped down the caves with me almost as if he was kidnapping me. Me being in the caves put a stop to my life, and I had been doing so well. Now I was trapped, trapped in the cave. The cave symbolizing our relationship. And how the relationship had held me back and that if I pursued it anymore I would be down and oppressed once again.
In the dream he was selfish. he was cold, uninvolved, unattached. He wanted me by any means necessary, even kidnap. Which essentially is what he had done. Us two at one point we had a way out. Before we got too deep into the caves. I made him stop, I begged him to think about us about us getting out alive. Our little romantic love-making get away in the caves had become dangerous. deadly.
I begged him to reconsider. To stay toward the top. Then I noticed there were more exits within the caves. There were caves made of sand. Weak though. Walls made of sand. Light shone through. I saw we still had a chance. But my love, he kept jumping around, shaking the caves frail infrastructure. It was as if he wanted it to break. So the sand started to crumble and it started pouring in, covering the holes for the exits. I said baby! stop! you're destroying the caves. Braking down our exits. I watched in horror as his tall, robust manly, frame, towered over me in the cave. His stature breaking through the thin walls.
Then that was it the sand poured in more and more. I held him, I kissed him, I loved him. I being smaller and shorter, found out that I could still punch my way through the wet crumbly sand and get through to the light. Except my love was reluctant in leaving the cave. There he was down below as I searched for and found a way out. But, I came to the realization that as I climbed toward the top of the slide like funnel like section. I was leaving him down below. I climbed and climbed and then I kept coming back telling my baby, my love, my man. Baby, I'll be back, I'm going to exit first because we both can't fit then you come. I have to leave you for a little while. but, it's for us. It's for the best.
I leave then believe me trust me you'll make your way iout too. I'll be waiting at the top. But he just stayed at the bottom, he was paralyzed with fear, accustomed to our situation of defenselessness through out the years. He just wanted somewhere where we could be together without interference even if that meant us dying. At least we were together, free from prying eyes.
I was faced with a dilemma, do I stay with my love and we succumb to death, packed with sand in this crevice? Or do I go up and advance without him sparing my life and sacrificing his because he doesn't wanna leave? I went back down and stayed with him for a while. I kissed him, experienced him, loved him, consoled him.
I had to convince him that we should live and escape.
You know, now that I'm sitting here analyzing the dream. I wonder if the pouring of sand symbolized us running out of time. Maybe, that this relationship is a waste of time?
No comments:
Post a Comment